Farting/Nude Photos

I guess this would be considered “misbehaving” because right now I’m at work writing a blog entry, but hey, I’ve been a shithead all day so why stop now. I started my shitheaderry when I came in 30 minutes late to work past our “official” start time (I see it as a guideline, I’m sure my boss, who I have not discussed this with, agrees) and immediately proceeded to leave to get coffee at the nearby waffle house because I forgot to take my thermos this morning and this junkie has got to have her fix. Anyways, they didn’t have non-dairy creamer and now my stomach is a New Orleans street band on Mardi Gras (though that is a welcome alternative to farting like a well-fed cow).

I’ve missed you, bloggy. But I’ve been busy working and working and eating dairy and then farting and then trying not to eat dairy and then being sad and then being happy that hey, at least I’m not farting. Oh yeah, folks, I’m going to start being a little more candid on here. A little more blunt. Because why not? At most like 10 people read this (and I love you all very much) so I don’t think my public street cred will be in jeopardy if I do so and even if more people did actually read this, it still wouldn’t matter because a) I’m trying really hard to care less about what people think and b) nobody’s shit is private anymore. I could delete my facebook, my instagram, and throw my computer and phone in the ocean, but 20 years from now some 14 year hacker could still find my nudes and leak them online (for the record, I have never posted or sent a nude photograph of myself. Sometimes I take snapchats of myself after I shower but I make sure to just have them be of my wet eyebrows or freshly scrubbed face acne.)

Just a side note: it is really hard to get a nice, secure naked photograph of yourself. I refuse to believe that selfies offer the best angle, and any phone taken on your phone or computer, deleted or not, run the risk of being leaked. You could take a film photograph, but then you run the risk of some creepy CVS photo developer peakin’ at your fine figure. And then when you’d go to pick it up he’d be all ;{)) and you’d be all :S. I guess polaroid is the way to go, but those are so expensive. If I’d have enough money to buy a polaroid camera and it’s film I’d just hire some local artist to paint me nude.

What’s new with me? I’m broke. Sincerely. I think I whimpered a little as I handed the cashier $2.19 for my absolutely-essential large coffee this morning. I’ve lost pretty much all the money I would have made on this job/internship on buying a new phone since my old phone fell in the shitter (#justgirlythings). I think I’m going to be one of those ladies who knits things using yarn stored in their vaginas and then sells the little mittens and stuff I make on Etsy. All though that may be too much work. I don’t even know how to knit. If anyone wants to hire a whiny college kid who can’t process dairy for writing, babysitting, old people sitting, pet sitting or sitting sitting, let me know. I cook. I clean. I do a mean Jimmy Stewart impression.

But at the end of the day all that matters is that I have a very loving family that will support me, financially and emotionally, on the stuff that really matters. It’s just disappointing that they don’t also see how Rosé and a shirt that says “I know that guac is extra” qualify as things that really matter.

-B